Whether you are a senior caregiver for an Alzheimers parent, a widower who needs company or just a parent who needs support, these are the 13 tips I wish I had known before moving my mother in law in!
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Why I Wrote This Post
I was an in home caregiver for my mother in law for over 3 years. She has Alcohol Related Dementia so it was a little bit harder than moving a “regular” parent in, but I think the dynamics of moving ANY senior parent in is going to be tough on everyone!
I also have a friend who is caring for her father now in a three bedroom apartment shared with her son and we brainstormed some ideas for what we wished we had known sooner!
Here are our best tips and ideas to think about!
Assessing Your Parent's Needs
The first step is to assess what your parent is going to need day to day and what you can and can't provide.
Health Conditions
If your parent needs major care on a continual basis, think long and hard about moving them in with you!
We spent three years not being able to do anything as a family because we rarely dared to leave Mom home alone for fear she would hurt herself, burn down the house or let our animals out without understanding what she was doing.
This definitely had an effect on our family that we feel to this day. I have a separate relationship with our kids in the same way that divorced parents have, because we could never do anything outside of the house as a family.
Lifestyle Preferences
If your parent wakes up at the crack of dawn and you are not a morning person, that is going to get old real fast when they pop their head into your sleep filled room to ask where the coffee is!
One of the things we had to contend with was that we couldn't have alcohol in the house when Mom lived with us. My husband doesn't drink, but I do and I missed having a drink whenever I chose to.
Think about things in their lifestyle that might not match with what you are used to and look for pitfalls BEFORE you move them in with you.
Food Preferences
If you are a vegan family and moving a carnivore in, how will this impact your cooking, shopping and meal prep?
I was a vegetarian at the time that Mom lived with and my husband was used to making two meals each night so it wasn't a problem for us, but my friend definitely struggles with a Dad who loves a big fat steak and kids who are trying to save the planet by going vegan.
This could also be a cultural consideration… say your senior parent wants to have more cultural dishes and your kids like standard American fare, how will that play out day-to-day?
Social Needs
Are you a single parent with kids playing team sports and need to spend your time in car lines at practice? Or what if you are single and want to be able to date and do sleep overs from time to time?
Understanding how assuming the responsibility for caring for an aging parent can impact your life in big ways and small is super important to consider!
Activities
Does your parent have activities that they will want to continue? Do they attend church every Sunday or have a friend group they meet for breakfast every Tuesday morning?
If they are not able to drive anymore can you help them continue these outings or will they have to move away from their established support systems?
Preparing Your Home
There are some practical considerations that you have to make to prepare your home for your senior loved one to move into!
Safety First
If you love throw rugs and have pricey glass knick knacks scattered throughout your home, you will have to modify your house to make it more safe!
Make sure to keep toys corralled into a play room or in toy boxes if you have little ones around.
I suggest getting a fire extinguisher for your kitchen if you don't have one yet and make sure that there are clear paths to travel from the front door to their room.
Accessibility
We didn't have to do too much for accessibility beyond getting a little frame for Mom's toilet to help her get up and down safely. (I do recommend the ones with the feet on the ground rather than ones that hook just to the toilet for stability)
If your shower doesn't have grab bars make sure to add those and also make sure that toilet paper and extra rolls are in reach and stocked up.
We live in a one story home, but if you have two stories, can your love one climb up or do they need to have a room on the ground floor?
Will you need to install a ramp to help your loved one get in and out of the house?
Additional resource: Why won't your Alzheimers loved one take a shower?
Creating A Comfortable Space
After all the practical things comes the fun part of making sure your loved one feels safe and welcome in your home!
Bring as many of their things as you can to your house so they have reminders of their past lives living alone.
Stock your fridge and pantry with goodies they love and even put a little basket of healthy snacks in their room! We got Mom a dorm sized fridge for her room to keep drinks handy!
If they have a pet, make sure to welcome them in too and help with the care and feeding if your loved one isn't able to do it themselves.
The more that you can do to make them feel loved and cared for, the easier it will be for both you and them!
Managing Daily Life
There are some considerations that will affect your day-to-day life that you might not have thought about before now!
Establishing Routines
Kids and seniors both benefit from routines! If you can get in a swing of always having breakfast at 8, then getting a picky eater senior to eat could be easier.
If you are dealing with a dementia parent like I was, then having routines will at least lessen some of the push backs you might get… “Mom we always change the sheets on Monday” or “Dad we take a shower on Sunday night”.
Communication
Oh my gosh, this one is the one I had to put on all my patience for! Your senior might have a different communication style from you and your intimate family!
They might bark orders or refuse to say what they want and then complain that you got them the wrong thing.
They may ask the same questions over and over again until you want to tear your hair out, patience my friend is the key here!
Healthcare
This is a big one when caring for your parent! Do they have doctors you will have to travel to or do you move them to a doctor close to you?
Have you figured out all the medications that they should be taking and gotten the current correct doses and times they should be taking them?
Do they have the right Medicare supplement to cover the conditions they have? Talking with a Medicare professional works when you move them in because of the change of address.
Addressing Potential Challenges
Those were all “solid” things to look out for, but now let's talk about more fluid things that you might struggle with!
Differing Opinions
My friend Rebekah's Dad watches Fox News all day long on a high volume because he is hard of hearing. She is a gay and trans rights supporter and her nervous system is all on edge because of the things she hears talked about all day long.
You may have different opinions on politics, child rearing, channels to watch or even what kind of toothpaste to buy!
Cultural Considerations
There are simple to understand cultural things like, “in my day the man would never change a diaper” or “we celebrate Shabbat on Fridays”.
But there may be culture things you don't understand like bad language, racism or constantly commenting on people's weight (my Mom).
Caregiver Burnout
The last thing I want address is burnout….sigh. Do you have a plan for how you are going to get to take breaks?
My Grandkids other Grandma, Gigi, is caring for both her parents at home. She wants to move them to assisted living, but her sister (who is NOT the primary caregiver) is resisting that.
Do you have a plan to get help, send them to senior daycare so you can work from home or have a local church, temple or Synagogue with people willing to help?
Moving Aging Parents In Wrapup
I hope this has helped at least a little to give you things to think about before moving a senior parent into your home! Here are some more tips and ideas that might help:
- 25 Activities When Your Loved One Is Stuck In Bed
- How To Get Your Dementia Mom To Leave Home
- 6 No Fail Ways To Get Rid of Pee Smells In Bathroom
