My dementia Mom is living in an assisted living situation right now and it breaks my heart not to bring her home for holidays like Christmas, Mothers Day and Birthdays. Here are some things to consider when thinking about including your loved one in events.
Should You Bring Your Dementia Mom Home?
I have been thinking and thinking about whether we should take Mom (actually my Mother In Law) out of her care home to bring her to my house for Christmas.
I was devastated to think about her there alone when we were gathering for family birthdays and even for Thanksgiving last month.
This got me thinking about whether we should bring her home for Christmas and here are some things I am considering that you might want to think about too as a dementia or Alzheimer caregiver.
Is It Safe?
My very first line of defense for myself was something that I learned in classes when we were going to adopt our kids from foster care.
During the MONTHS of training that we took, one phrase the professionals said kept coming up time and time again... is it a safety issue?
Following that training we are mandatory reporters of children facing unsafe conditions (I even helped one little boy get out of a drug infested hotel and back with his dad, testifying in court about what I saw!)
When I think about Mom and safety, here are a few things that are in our situation:
- She falls a fair amount and did fall one time during a family function even before she got bad
- She fell a few weeks ago at the care home and had to be lifted by two people
- We have 3 dogs, 1 cat, one toddler, two teens and 6 adults coming for Christmas (if no one drags an extra along)
- She can't get in out and out of cars without a lot of help because of weakness in her legs
So looking at those metrics with a "safety" eye, it is NOT safe to bring a frail, elderly woman here.
Will She Remember
My husband brought this one up and it was a "duh" moment for me... she will not remember coming... sigh.
Let's put on our practical hat and set our heart down for one moment.
While I would love for Mom to come and be here for the holidays, she will not remember a bit of coming, which makes me super sad for her and us.
As it will cause a huge amount of stress for me, my husband and everyone around her which WE WILL remember, I have to put this one down as a no too.
Will It Be "Fun" For Her?
Last but not least, I have to think about what is best for Mom.
She is in a safe and quiet place where there is maximum order. Her meals come at the same time every day. The aides are more a fixture in her daily life than we are now (we go multiple times a week to see her, but this is just a fact at this point).
It is loud and noisy at our house... our two year old grandbaby randomly screams NO, the dogs are barking and running around, someone is always spilling something, it is just crazy.
If you have been a dementia caregiver for any amount of time, you will know that that having order and stability is the most important thing to keeping your loved one content as she can be.
I remember taking her to the doctor early in the process and having her lose so much memory, as well as being stressed and asking questions about it over and over again.
If just she and I going in a car to place that she was familiar with and was quiet was harmful to her then, I KNOW that coming here will not be a good experience for her now.
Bringing Your Mom Home For The Holidays Wrapup
I am so sorry you are reading this, because it means you are in the same place that I am in right now.
I want Mom here for my own selfish reasons and having to choose to leave her at the care home is hard both mentally and emotionally.
But maybe these questions I have asked have shown you that you might want to bring your Mom home to get some more pictures of her with her loved ones.
Maybe your Mom has more memory left and will be able to remember that she was included and that will make her happy.
Either way, I KNOW you will what is best for her and don't you dare take that to mean that you don't love her or want her to be with you!
XOXO Tara
